There is no official grief manual or playbook on how to cope with the passing of a pet, and no right or wrong way to traverse the stages of grief that follow. Whether you’ve lost a pet, a family member, friend or fellow colleague, each of us grieves in our own unique way and along our own timeline.
There are many accepted incarnations and interpretations of the stages of the grief cycle, and even the number of stages can vary. My personal preference, based on my own experiences with the loss of a pet, is the following 7 stages, along with my suggestions for essential oils (or blends) that can offer support:
1) Shock & Disbelief – When a person experiences an unexpected loss, especially if that loss is tragic, their mind and body can go into a state of shock. Physical manifestations of shock could be: numbness or tingling in the extremities, feeling woozy, dizzy or faint. Less commonly, during the shock phase, one might cease to speak or even move for some time. Shock can be brief, lasting just a few minutes, or continue for some time, even days and weeks. It should go without saying that medical and/or mental health treatment is highly recommended for anyone experiencing extreme effects of shock as the result of an unexpected loss or trauma, especially if everyday activities and basic care are disrupted. Supportive oils would be: Rose, Geranium, Lavender, Roman Chamomile and Helichrysum.
2) Denial – You may feel compelled to deny the reality of the loss and/or circumstances for the tragedy for as many as several weeks. Though it may appear counterproductive, frustrating or futile to others, this denial phase can serve to cushion the blow by temporarily consuming your thoughts, as your mind, soul and body ready themselves to transition to the next, and often profoundly challenging phase, of pain and guilt. Supportive oils would be: Black Pepper, Cinnamon Bark, Coriander, Lemongrass, Juniper Berry.
3) Pain & Guilt – Pain can absolutely feel physical when it is emotional in origin. You may physically feel as though your heart or head is breaking or bursting. Guilt too can manifest in physical aches, pains and numbness. You can apply essential oils topically to soothe the physical manifestations of pain and guilt, in which case you’d seek out oils like: Peppermint, Wintergreen, Lavender, Marjoram, Siberian Fir, Copaiba and Lemongrass. For emotional pain and guilt, you may prefer a different set of options. Note that Copaiba can address both physical and emotional needs. Supportive oils would be: Arborvitae, Black Spruce, Bergamot, Citronella, Copaiba, Thyme.
4) Anger – As a stage within the natural grieving process, acknowledging and expressing your anger, but not targeted at anyone or anything other than the specific circumstances surrounding your lost pet, is incredibly cathartic. Heading out into a field or forest and shouting at the heavens or powers that be can move you through the anger stage much more rapidly and effectively than bottling up your feelings, or lashing out at someone undeserving of your pent up frustration. Supportive oils would be: Black Spruce, Cardamom, Cedarwood, Cypress, Neroli, Petitgrain.
5) Bargaining – During the bargaining stage of grief, people may try to make plea bargains with God (or their own religious or philosophical leader), based on the false belief that they can reverse the negative events or circumstances that caused the loss, or go back in time and somehow alter the outcome. It is a self-preserving defense mechanism that protects against the raw and gut-wrenching pain of extreme loss. In the bargaining stage, one begins to realize that control over the outcome of the situation is beyond them, as they prepare to enter the next stage in the grief process. Bargaining can also accompany the guilt stage of grief, especially if the grief-stricken person feels responsible for the loss. Supportive oils would be: Clove, Eucalyptus, Rosemary, Vetiver, Ylang Ylang.
6) Depression – Though your well-meaning family and friends may think you should be bouncing back and getting on with your life, a period of deep sadness and reflection may wash over you. This is a completely normal stage of grief. Gracefully deflect and ignore well-meaning outsiders that try to hurry your grieving process along faster than the pace at which you’re moving. Positive encouragement from others may prove toxic and unhelpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this particular phase you finally realize the scope and magnitude of your loss, which can depress you, albeit temporarily. You may choose to intentionally self-isolate, ruminate or reflect upon things you did with your lost pet, and even become hyper-focused on past memories. You may experience feelings of emptiness or despair. Supportive oils would be: Melissa, Frankincense, Neroli, Tangerine, Clary Sage.
7) Acceptance & Hope – When you come to a place of peace in your heart, head and soul, you can accept that your loved one is also at peace. Nothing you or anyone else could have done would have led to any place other than this very one. At this point, you are emotionally, physically and spiritually prepared to resign yourself to acceptance of this reality as truth. A sense of hope, rebirth, renewal and even joy will follow, though they may too take some time to materialize. Supportive oils would be: Arborvitae, Spikenard, Frankincense, Wintergreen, Basil, plus any of the citrus oils (especially diffused together with Peppermint!). These are all powerful essential oils for surrendering to divine grace, uplifting and transitioning you to a more joyful headspace!
How can pure, therapeutic essential oils assist you to move through the stages of grief, and support you as you ultimately transition to acceptance and hope? Essential oils are invaluable tools that can be utilized to support you through stress, overwhelm and ultimately the sadness that comes with loss, whether it was an expected or sudden and shocking passing of your beloved pet. Essential oils can also be utilized to lift spirits, throw open the curtains and windows, and usher in hope, feelings of renewal and the return to active daily life, love and laughter.
Without a deeper understanding of the intricate chemistry found in plants grown in their indigenous environments, it is easy to assume that essential oils offer little more than intoxicating aromas that affect mood and emotions based solely on scent memory or associations, and perhaps personal aromatic preferences. It is crucial to point out that when inhaling an essential oil’s volatile aromatic compounds, the limbic system delivers those molecules directly to the brain, which sends signals out via the central nervous system and other body systems. Essential oils are transdermal, and some can cross the blood-brain barrier, which means that every cell in the body is potentially affected by essential oils’ benefits, regardless of the mode of delivery (aromatic, topical or internal).
While it would be an overstatement to suggest that pure, therapeutic essential oils can help hasten the transition from one stage of grief to the next, it is fair to suggest that the assistance of aromatic and therapeutic tools can facilitate focused, safe, supported and mindful tackling of one’s emotions. If professional mental health care or a grief support network led by an accredited counselor is required, please do not hesitate to utilize the resources in your community. Aromatherapy is a companion holistic modality. Never take an either/or attitude when you’re in need. I regard life as a moveable feast of options and directions. My approach to wellness is similar. We have holistic, more traditional modalities and modern medical approaches. The two are not mutually exclusive. The more open-minded you are, the more likely you will be to be proactive when it comes to self-care, mental/emotional wellness and physical health.